Alex and Alexis's Wedding.... Part 1

Micah: I do so admire your subtlety, hon.

He gives her a kiss...

Micah: Did you want me to wait and drive you over there or are you going to take one of the coach busses?

Amanda: I was just going to get ready there..... I think Nikki and Lexi are having a fit..... so if you're ready to go......

Micah: Cool. Come on.

The two head down to the rental car and head off to Michigan Ave. Meanwhile....

Jenny: So...you're Moira's grandmother...

Nana: ....I didn't think they still made hoes like you...

Jessica overhears and looks over.

Jessica: Nana?

Nana: Jessica...come over here...look at this. Don't need the Hubble Telescope to see this hoe from a mile away...

Jenny: I'm a happily married woman, damn it!

Nana: YOU CAN'T TURN A HOE INTO A HOUSEWIFE!...or so they say?

Jenny: Pray tell...who are 'they'?

Nana: You know......thugs.

Jessica looks apologetically at Jenny as she walks over.

Jessica: Nana... I believe she may actually be a housewife....

Nana: I know a hoe when I see one. I used to be one!

The pastor looks back at the conversation...

Jenny: You know...you really should not be pushing me like this. Besides...your precious little Moira is dating an African American...so you might want to be...

Nana: MOIRA DOESN'T HAVE THE TITS TO DATE A BLACK MAN!

Ewan overhears this and drops the straight razor.

Alex: Um..... who the hell is that?

Ewan looks genuinely afraid.

Ewan: .......... Nana.

From the girls' stateroom, Moira's voice can be heard, loud enough to echo.

Moira: WOT!

Ben just shakes his head...and sighs loudly...

Nana: MORIA...IS THAT YOU? GET UP HERE! THERE IS A REDHEADED HO BITCH YOU'VE GOTTA SEE!

Naomi: Um...Moira...who IS that?

Ewan finishes up with Alex.

Ewan: I'd better go see what's going on....

Ewan leaves the stateroom and walks up to Jenny and Nana.

.... afternoon ladies.

Moira sighs.

Moira: That is my horny, senile grandmother. We call her Nana.

Alexis and Nikki exchange worried glances.

Jessica: Nana, please stop. Um... I'd like to introduce you to Jenny Ignito... Aunt Moira already knows her.

Nana: Ewan! You long dicked stud you! God....you still got it. You tired of my Jilly yet...ready to step up to the senior leagues...?

Ewan: Um..... Hi Nana.... thankyou for the offer..... but no I'm quite happily married.

Nana: Who said anything about marriage? I just want that....tenderloin in your pants...

Jenny: ...and you call ME a ho...

Nana: YOU ARE A HO...I'm just a tad more subtle...

Jenny: W...what?

Nana: Why are we on this boat anyway? Moria...get out here and get me home. It's senior night at the Gimp Mask.

Ewan: Um Nana.... you're here for the wedding..... your great-granddaughter is getting married today.

Nana: No...Alexis is like...fuckin' six...

Ewan: She's 19 Nana.... the same age as my son..... the groom.

Nana: You....have....a....son? ...and Jilly kept him from me, didn't she? .....I'd so like to meet him.....Ewan....

Ewan: I see....... well it's bound to happen eventually..... I'll go get him.

Ewan walks back to the stateroom just as Alex finishes getting dressed.

..... Oh..... you're ready..... that's..... good, I guess..... look um..... Nana Crawford wants to..... meet you.

Alex: Lexi's great grandmother? Of course!

Ewan: I'm sorry son.

Alex: For what?

Ewan: You'll see.

Ewan and Alex and walk over to Jenny, Jessica and Nana.

Alex: Hello Mrs. Crawford..... I'm Alex Edwards..... I'm the groom.

Alexis has to be restrained from leaving the girls' stateroom in a panic.

Moira: Ben... can you please go out there? You're the only person I know who can calm Nana down when she gets 'er 'ooks in someone.

Nana looks him up and down....for a little while...then all of a sudden she jumps at him, knocking him to the floor...

Nana: Christ! He's not breathing! He needs....

Nana unzips his pants and grabs his crotch....

Nana: Heh.....mouth to...mouth....or ass to mouth...whichever orafice I get there first....

Alex: OH DEAR SWEET MOTHER OF GOD!

Micah's rental car pulls up to the dock just in time to hear Alex scream...

Micah: Oh...Alexis's grandmother is here already...

Amanda looks confused.

Amanda: Is she..... killing him?